I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
