I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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