Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
