I look better un-naked...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
