Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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