At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
