I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize