It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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