i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
