the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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