I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize