For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
