dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
