i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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