Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
