Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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