im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
