Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
