just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So much rum. So many feels.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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