someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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