I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
