Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
