I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize