i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
