Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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