the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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