walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
