We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
