Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
