Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
