I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
