he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
