i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize