I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
