were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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