So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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