Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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