im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
