my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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