you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
