this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
