You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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