even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
