I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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