Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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