I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize