apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
