Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
