after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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