I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
