you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize