There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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