I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
