I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
