I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
