3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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