I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
