I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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