i think i have herpe
just one?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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