I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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