it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
