The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize