Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
They are going to name an STD after you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
