I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
