Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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