He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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